My team with our medals and plaqueOn that faithful day, 27th July 2007, I stand alone on lane 27, panicking and shivering. I do not know what to expect and how to focus my mind on what is to be done. It is funny that even though I have trained four times a week for three months to prepare for this red-letter day, I still get butterflies in my stomach. It is probably because it is my first time taking part in the National ‘A’ Division inter-school Air Pistol Competition. I am one of the three girls representing Anglo Chinese Junior College (ACJC) and I am determined in helping the school clinch the competition title. My contribution is extremely crucial as one person can either make or break the team’s score.
Thankfully, with the help of my coach, I have learnt the art of positive self-motivation. I talk to myself incessantly to calm myself down and to focus on every single shot made as though each is a fresh shot during the competition. It is mentally tormenting as I have to repeatedly keep myself composed and focused for the entire two-hour competition. However, I am determined not to let my team and coach down and I must bring glory to ACJC, just like what other sports teams have done. I close my eyes and focus on my body movements. Staying focused helps me simulate the body movements that allow me to hit the bull’s eye as I have done during my previous trainings. In the end, my efforts bear fruits when my team emerges as overall champion and I am individually ranked fourth among all the shooting participants. Subsequently, I am invited to join the Singapore National Youth team too.
I am a person who shows great determination and focus on whatever tasks given to me. This strength of mine will definitely see me through challenges in my career. As a teacher, I will not let my students down as we are a team focusing on pursuing continual learning together. I am also determined in helping them to achieve their best results to the best of my capability.
(Acknowledgement given to Ivan, my blog buddy, for editing my post to make it better! =))
Hi Sarah,
ReplyDeleteYour personal statement is very convincing and it urges me to carry on reading it. I like the way you describe your feelings. It is very real and I can almost picture the event while reading it.
Cheers,
Chee Siang
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHallo Sarah,
ReplyDeleteI think that you have managed to add a personal touch to your personal statement and it certainly allowed me to feel your emotions during your Air Pistol experience. Great work there! Not only that, your statement is clear and easy to understand, making it an engaging read.
Just a slight point to note: There was an abrupt change in tense from the first sentence to the second, which makes the start sound slightly weird. Also, I think that you should spell out '4th' in full, seeing as this is a formal essay and all.
All in all, good job! :)
-Abigail-
I like the way you have captured the tensions and emotions in the competition, which makes your personal statement very engaging to read.
ReplyDeleteNot only that, you have clearly demonstrated how you stayed determined and focused to eventually win glory for ACJC. Moreover, you have concluded well by relating how this strength of yours will help you excel as a teacher.
Nevertheless, here are some suggestions for improvement. Firstly, there should not be any present tenses in the first 2 paragraphs. Secondly, the last 3 sentences of paragraph 1 seem to lack fluency. Perhaps you can make the connection that these were the reasons why you felt nervous.
Overall, this is an effective personal statement in highlighting one of your characteristics. Good work!
Hi Sarah!
ReplyDeleteI think you did a great job on narrating your experience. However, I think your story was more on your serious and focused attitude in doing something rather than your determined character. If determination was what you wanted to write about, it would be good to include some of your past failures ( I know it was your first time but you must have been involved in some minor events before going to national level right?) and how you managed to improve tremendously thanks to your determination.
And like what Abby and Xiang Min wrote, there was an abrupt switch to past tense in the second paragraph.
Once again, this is a great story and I would love to have you as my teacher!
Hi all! Thanks for your comments!
ReplyDeleteI know that there was an abrupt switch to past tense in the 2nd paragraph (and switch to present tense in the 1st parag as well). Please know that it was done on purpose.
My original personal statement was all in past tense for the 1st 2 paragraphs. But my blog buddy, Ivan, editted most of my sentences to present tense because he told me that brad mentioned that Personal statement should be in present tense when you are describing your feelings and emotions at that point of time. Past tense should be used when you are describing something that was already achieved. (For e.g, the awards and ranks etc.)
I'm now in the midst of clarifying with our tutor =)
Hi Sarah! I like the way you describe about your encounter and how you learnt to self-motivate yourself under intense situations. This highlights to me your ability to resist pressure and still work efficiently under it. I have to agree with you that the teaching career is not an easy task and people who are interested in this line have to be prepared to face all the various difficulties that may arise from it. However, I have a couple of questions in mind regarding your personal statement.
ReplyDelete- I can understand if you mentioned that you have learnt to resist pressure and work efficiently under any circumstances. However, I’m not sure if I’m able to clearly link determination or focus from your personal experience. Perhaps, in the story you provided, add a few sentences that explicitly touch on the traits ‘determination’ and ‘focus’.
- With regards to the last two sentences in your last paragraph, how are they linked to ‘determination ‘and ‘focus’? Maybe you might want to elaborate a little further.
Overall, the flow is there and these two traits are definitely good potential assets to get you into the teaching line. Good job and keep it up!
Regards,
Ivan
With regards to Sarah’s last comment to this blog post, I would like to clarify my stand. Perhaps there is some miscommunication and therefore I will be restating my suggestion again.
ReplyDeleteWith reference to ‘how to write a narrative essay’ from the University of Arkansas of Fayetteville’s writing center, they mentioned a couple of points. Firstly, tense is not identical with time in writing. Secondly, tense has to be consistent even when portrayal of time is complex. Therefore, the two listings below will give everyone a brief idea on how to avoid some common pitfalls that we used to drop into for language.
Present Tense
Use the present tense to write essays about literature and to write narratives in which you want the action to seem as if it’s happening while it's being told. Remember that if you begin an essay in present tense, you must be consistent in that tense throughout the entire essay. Check all the main verbs in your essay after you review the following forms of the present tense.
Past Tense
Most narratives are written in the past tense, as are many essays which deal with events rather than ideas. Work on the forms of past tense, not only so you can be consistent with tense in your past tense writing, but so you can recognize past tense where it doesn't belong in present tense pieces.
In conclusion, I hope that this will be of great use to everyone in the class. Of course, no one is perfect, therefore let’s not forget to help out one another too. =)
Regards,
Ivan
Chee Siang is wrong (and I want you to tell him so)! You have used the historical present appropriately, and beautifully! The description of your feelings and the traits that carry you to victory in the competition is an ideal way of communicating a positive image of yourself.
ReplyDeleteI also like the way you conclude, especially these two statements:
"As a teacher, I will not let my students down as we are a team focusing on pursuing continual learning together. Lastly, I am determined in helping my students to achieve their best results to the best of my capability."
I would just axe the transition word "finally" and then use the pronoun 'them."
This is a very creative way of addressing this assignment, Sara, a bull's eye as far as personal statements go.
Thank you!
p.s. Wanwei has a point. Maybe you could simply make "focused" the main trait under discussion.
ReplyDeleteThank you Brad for your comments and clarifications.
ReplyDeleteI also tried to edit my personal statement in such a way that I covered both "focused" and "determined" aspects.
Of course the credit must be given to Ivan as well for notifying me about using present tense, as stated in his comment on my blog.